By Rachael Maher, MS, LCPC, LMFT

Most parents deeply love their kids — and that doesn’t change when those kids grow up.

But love alone doesn’t always create connection. Some of the most well-intentioned responses can leave adult children feeling unseen or alone, not because their parents don’t care, but because the response missed what was actually needed in the moment.

There’s a phrase that comes up often in therapy: connect before you correct. And this is usually where things go off track.

1. Jumping Straight to Advice

When your adult child brings you a problem, the instinct to fix it is strong — and it comes from love. But more often than not, they’re not looking for solutions yet. They’re looking to feel understood first.

When a child says “Work has been so overwhelming lately,” a response like “Maybe you should start applying for other jobs” is technically helpful. But what they may have needed to hear first was simply: “That sounds like a lot to carry.”

2. Trying to Turn It Positive Too Quickly

Offering perspective isn’t wrong — but timing matters enormously. When someone hasn’t felt heard yet, a silver lining lands as dismissal, not encouragement.

“I’m really struggling being home with the baby all day” followed by “Well, at least you get to be home with your baby” doesn’t feel supportive — it feels like their experience is being redirected away. Connection starts with joining someone in what they’re feeling, not moving them out of it.

3. Minimizing Through Comparison

Comparing struggles often comes from genuine experience — parents have lived through hard things and want to offer perspective. But it can unintentionally communicate that what your child is going through doesn’t quite measure up.

“I’m stressed about money” met with “Trust me, you have it way easier than we did” doesn’t land as reassurance. It lands as: your stress doesn’t count.

4. Making It About You

This one is deeply human — and it still gets in the way. When a parent’s own feelings take over the conversation, the adult child quietly shifts from being supported to doing the supporting.

If your child says “I’m thinking about ending my relationship” and the response is “Oh no — I really liked them. This is so hard for me,” they’re now managing your emotions instead of being held through their own.

5. Using Humor to Deflect

Humor can absolutely be connective — but not before pain has been acknowledged. Light joking too early in a hard conversation can feel like avoidance, even when it’s meant with warmth.

“I feel like I’m failing at everything lately” followed by “Well, at least you’re consistent!” — even said gently — can close a door that the other person was trying to open.

6. Seeing Them Through an Outdated Lens

This is one of the more nuanced challenges of parenting adult children. You have a long history with them, and a mental file of who they’ve been across their whole life. But part of the work now is updating that file.

What reads as “they’ve always been so sensitive” may actually be “they feel anxious when things are chaotic” — a different story, one that belongs to who they are now rather than who they were at twelve.

Adult children often feel the pain of being seen through an old version of themselves. Connection in this season means genuine curiosity about who they’re becoming.

7. Shutting Down or Changing the Subject

Sometimes a parent goes quiet, or pivots, not because they don’t care — but because they don’t know what to do with what they’re hearing.

“I’ve been feeling really depressed lately” followed by “...Did you see that new restaurant opened downtown?” isn’t indifference. But it can feel like it. The message received is often: you’re on your own with this.

8. Letting Your Anxiety Drive the Conversation

When your child is struggling, it can bring up real fear, urgency, and helplessness. Those feelings make sense. But when they take over, the conversation shifts in a way that isn’t helpful to either person.

“I’m not sure what I’m doing with my career” met with “Okay, but what’s your plan? You need a plan. This is stressing me out” means your child ends up reassuring you — and their actual need quietly disappears.

Parents and Children Move Through Different Chapters

Something that doesn’t come up enough: children move through distinct developmental stages, and parents don’t show up equally well in all of them. Some parents are extraordinary with young children. Some really come alive with teenagers. Some do their most connected, meaningful parenting once their kids are adults.

And some parents struggle in certain seasons — not from lack of love, but because the skills that chapter requires don’t come naturally to them.

I worked with a couple where the husband’s mother was repeatedly crossing boundaries — reorganizing their home, rearranging furniture, even inviting people over without asking while she was visiting. It was embarrassing for him and deeply frustrating for his partner, who felt invisible in her own home.

From the outside, the path forward looked obvious: set firmer limits.

But he had a genuinely hard time getting there. As we talked, he remembered that between the ages of six and eleven, his mother had actually been an exceptional parent — present, attuned, consistent. In that chapter of his life, she really showed up.

In his adult life, and especially in his partnered life, she wasn’t showing up the same way.

Both of those things were true at once.

Holding that complexity — she was good in some chapters and she’s struggling in this one — helped him move toward clearer boundaries, not from a place of anger, but from something more grounded.

The Bigger Picture

If you’re a parent reading this, none of it is about being perfect.

It’s about slowing down just enough to remember that connection comes first. Correction, guidance, and perspective all land better — and are actually received — after your child feels seen, understood, and emotionally met.

You don’t have to say the perfect thing. You just have to show up in a way that tells them: I’m here with you.