Supporting Your Nervous System After a Sudden Traumatic Event

Trauma is a body shock. By Rachael Maher, MS, LCPC, LMFT

In the first hours and days after a traumatic loss, something profound happens in your body. Your nervous system shifts into high alert. Cortisol rises. Sleep becomes difficult or impossible. You might feel shaky, numb, wired, or completely overwhelmed—sometimes all at once.

If this is where you find yourself right now, please know: these responses are normal after something life-altering.

Your body isn't broken. It's doing exactly what bodies do during profound shock. It's trying to protect you, even when the threat has already happened OR the direct trauma hasn't even happened to you.

The practices below aren't meant to fix the pain—nothing can do that. But they offer small, evidence-supported ways to help your nervous system soften and ground, so you can get through each hour with a little more steadiness.

Small Steps for a System in Overwhelm

1. Sip Something Warm

There's something deeply calming about wrapping your hands around a warm mug. Warm liquids signal safety to your nervous system and support a down-shift in the stress response. Even warm water or broth can help your body settle.

2. Apply Gentle Weighted Warmth

A warm compress or weighted blanket across your chest or shoulders can slow your heart rate and support what's called "vagal calming"—the process that helps your body remember it's safe.

3. Use Slow "Extended-Exhale" Breathing

Try this: Inhale for 4 counts, then exhale for 6–8. Those longer exhales help turn off the fight-or-flight response. You don't have to do it perfectly. Just letting your exhale be a bit longer than your inhale can make a difference.

4. Ground Through the Feet

Press your feet into the floor. Notice the contact. Feel the support beneath you. When your mind is racing or your thoughts feel untethered, grounding through your feet helps anchor a racing system. This works even better if you do this barefoot on grass, dirt or sand.

5. Choose Gentle Movement

Your body is holding adrenaline. A slow walk, rocking in a chair, swinging in a porch swing or even pacing with intention helps release some of that intensity and keeps your body from getting stuck in shock.

6. Consider Magnesium Support

Magnesium glycinate or L-threonate can help soften muscle tension and support calmer physiology. Please check with a medical provider first, especially if you're taking other medications.

7. Use L-Theanine or Chamomile

These gentle supports may quiet racing thoughts and soften cortisol spikes without causing grogginess. L-theanine is found in green tea, or you can take it as a supplement. Chamomile tea is another option. Please check with a medical provider first, especially if you're taking other medications.

8. Eat a Small Protein-Rich Snack

We often lose our appetite in stressful and traumatic times. But when your blood sugar crashes (and it does when you don't eat), so does your ability to cope. Stable blood sugar helps stabilize the nervous system. A few bites of yogurt, nuts, cheese, or jerky can help—even if you don't feel hungry.

9. Co-Regulate With a Safe Person

You don't have to talk. You don't have to explain anything. Just sitting near someone calm can reduce sympathetic activation and help you breathe again. Sometimes presence is everything.

10. Lower the Stimulation Around You

Your nervous system is already maxed out. Dim the lights. Reduce noise. If you're watching screens, try using blue light blockers and watch something slow and maybe even boring. Give yourself permission to need less input while you're overwhelmed.

11. Touch a Textured or Grounding Object

A smooth stone, soft blanket, or wooden object can anchor your attention when your mind is spinning. This is called "tactile grounding," and it works by giving your brain something concrete to focus on.

12. Keep Your Body Warm

Shock often lowers body temperature. Warm layers, socks, blankets, or a gentle warm shower help restore a sense of safety at a physiological level.

13. Try Calming Aromatherapy

Lavender, bergamot, or frankincense can help soften stress activation for some people. If scents feel overwhelming right now, skip this one.

14. Take a 10-Minute "Micro-Rest"

Even if you can't sleep, lying down with your eyes closed for a few minutes helps cortisol settle and gives your system a break. You don't have to achieve sleep. Think of resting for your nervous system whether you sleep or not.

15. Take a Warm Shower or a Soak

Warm water cues the body that the immediate threat has passed and encourages the parasympathetic system—your body's "rest and digest" mode—to come back online.

What to Remember

Your body is doing exactly what bodies do during profound shock.

You're not falling apart. You're holding an impossible amount, and your system is responding to that reality.

These practices won't fix the pain—they simply support your system so you can get through each hour with a little more steadiness.

Please reach out to your providers, support people, or crisis resources if you feel unsafe, overwhelmed, or unable to care for yourself.

The Research Behind These Practices

These aren't just nice ideas—they're grounded in trauma neuroscience and somatic psychology:

• Polyvagal Theory & safety cues: Warmth, pressure, and social connection help shift the nervous system from threat to safety. (Porges, 2022)

• Somatic therapies & grounding: Body-based awareness and sensory grounding reduce hyperarousal and promote regulation. (Frontiers in Psychology, 2024)

• Slow exhale breathing: Longer exhales increase vagal tone and help regulate cortisol. (Birchwood Clinic, 2023)

• Grounding interventions: Sensory grounding reduces distress in acute stress responses. (PMC10105020)

• Magnesium: Magnesium deficiency is linked to anxiety and dysregulation; supplementation can support calmer physiology. (PMC7761127)

• Co-regulation: Safe social proximity can down-shift arousal and support autonomic stability. (PMC10453544)

• Tactile grounding: Touching textured objects supports sensory anchoring and reduces overwhelm. (ScienceDirect, 2022)

• Warmth & environmental softening: Support parasympathetic activation during anxiety and stress. (Brentwood Therapy Collective, 2023)
  

If you're supporting someone through acute grief or trauma, feel free to share this post. Sometimes having concrete, gentle suggestions can be a lifeline when nothing else makes sense.

Should We Just "Let Them?"

“I’m not chasing anymore.”

“If they don’t show up, that’s on them.”

This mindset feels powerful—but are we using it to protect, or to disconnect?

The Rise of a Popular Philosophy

Lately, I’ve noticed something showing up more and more in my sessions—and in conversations outside the therapy room too.

People are saying things like,“I’m done chasing.”“If they don’t show up for me, that’s on them.”“I’m just letting them be who they are.”

It’s part of a mindset that’s become really popular lately—the idea that when someone disappoints you, distances themselves, or doesn’t meet your needs, the best thing you can do is just... let them.

And I’ll admit, there’s something that feels strong and clear about that. For people who’ve spent years over-functioning in relationships—people-pleasing, walking on eggshells, bending and contorting themselves to be lovable—it can feel like a powerful shift. A moment of relief. A deep breath.

You stop over-explaining.You stop trying to get someone to see you.You stop exhausting yourself in hopes of a different response.

And that shift? That’s not nothing. It can be incredibly healing. The Story I Had to Feel First

I’ve even felt the appeal of this mindset in my own life.

Not long ago, I had a tough exchange with one of my parents. I left the conversation feeling completely misunderstood. Small. Unseen. I called one of my best friends—barely able to talk through the lump in my throat—and she listened quietly before saying, “Boomer’s gonna boom, Rachael.”

It made me laugh. And weirdly, it helped. But not because I suddenly didn’t care. It helped because I got to have my feelings first. I got to feel the hurt, name the ache, and then—from that place—I could decide what I needed. I realized I was longing for appreciation, recognition, and a sense that my efforts mattered.

If I had skipped straight to “let them,” I would’ve missed all of that. I would’ve shut down needs that were still very much alive in me—needs we all have, because we’re human and we’re wired for connection.

When Detachment Turns Into Disconnection

And that’s what’s been sitting heavy with me lately.

Because while this mindset starts off empowering, I’m seeing more and more people take it further than it was meant to go.

Clients aren’t just letting go of toxic patterns—they’re letting go of closeness. Not just setting boundaries—but emotionally checking out. Not just protecting themselves—but cutting themselves off from the people who matter most.

It’s not just, “I won’t beg you to stay.”It’s, “I won’t feel this. I won’t ask. I won’t care.”

And it’s not happening in shallow relationships. It’s happening with partners. Parents. Children. Best friends.

What began as a path to freedom starts to turn into a kind of quiet numbness.

How This Plays Out in Real Life

From the outside, it might look like this:

One person says or does something that their partner or friend finds hurtful, defeating, or just plain confusing. The other person doesn’t know how to respond—so they shut down. They detach. They get quiet. They try to stay “neutral,” maybe even pride themselves on staying calm.

And then their partner starts to escalate. Maybe they raise their voice, or press harder to be understood, or protest the disconnection in whatever way they know how.

The person who pulled back sees that escalation and thinks, “See? They just can’t handle my boundary.”

But so often, that’s not boundary resistance. It’s heartbreak. It’s fear. It’s a protest against emotional distance.

And let me say this clearly: setting a boundary is not the same as shutting down. Boundaries are relational. They say, “Here’s what I need in order to stay connected with you.”Detachment says, “I’m done trying.” One keeps the door open. The other walks away and calls it self-respect.

What Research Tells Us About Suppression

I get why we do this. It can feel so much safer to disengage than to risk caring and not be met. But when we don’t allow ourselves to feel, we cut ourselves off from what matters most.

Here’s what the research tells us: suppressing our emotions and needs doesn’t make us stronger—it wears us down. Emotion suppression is linked to higher stress, lower relationship satisfaction, and long-term health consequences (Gross & Levenson, 1997; John & Gross, 2004).

A Different Kind of Strength

Sometimes letting someone be who they are is the wisest and kindest move—for them and for you. Especially when they’ve shown you repeatedly that they cannot, will not, or do not want to meet you with care.

But when “letting them” becomes a way to avoid the vulnerable work of speaking up, staying present, or asking for what you need—when it becomes a shortcut past the hard feelings—it can slowly chip away at intimacy.

Because the truth is:We are meant to care. We are meant to be impacted. We are meant to say, “That hurt,” or “I miss you,” or “I want to feel closer again.”

That’s not weak. That’s not needy. That’s attachment.

So... Should We Let Them?

So should we “let them”? Sometimes, yes. But not if it means letting go of the very thing that makes us human.

Let’s not confuse detachment with growth. Let’s not confuse emotional distance with maturity. And let’s remember: the hard feelings? They’re not the problem.They’re the path.

7 Myths About Affairs (and The Truth that Heals)

7 Common Myths About Affairs (And the Truth That Heals)

By Rachael Maher, MS, LCPC, LMFT — Little Bear Counseling

I've seen it many times in my therapy room—the raw pain that affairs bring into relationships. But what breaks my heart even more are the myths that keep couples stuck in confusion and shame. As an Emotionally Focused Therapist at Little Bear Counseling, I've walked alongside many couples on their healing journey, and I've learned that healing doesn't come from blame—it comes from connection, compassion, and honest conversations.

Let me share with you seven myths I hear in EVERY couple suffering from an affair, and the healing truths I've witnessed transform relationships.

Myth 1: If you're attracted to someone else, your relationship is doomed.

Truth: Attraction is part of being human—not a warning sign that something is wrong.

Let's be real—we don't suddenly stop noticing attractive people just because we're in committed relationships. It's what you do with that attraction that matters. Do you use it to create secrets and distance, or can you acknowledge it while staying emotionally present with your partner?

I remember years ago, I was at the movies with my boyfriend at the time when a strikingly beautiful woman walked in. Without thinking, I commented, "Wow, she is gorgeous." My boyfriend quickly replied, "Eh, not really."

I was shocked. Was he blind? This woman was turning heads throughout the theater. But my shock quickly turned to unease. Why was he lying to me? The most innocent explanation was that he was afraid of my reaction—which didn't make me feel secure at all. It suggested he didn't know me well enough to understand I could handle living in a world with attractive people without feeling threatened. At worst, I worried what else he might be hiding from me.

That moment taught me something important about honesty in relationships. Pretending not to notice attraction doesn't create security—it creates distance.

"Being attracted means you're still breathing." — Dr. Shirley Glass, Not "Just Friends," 2003

In my experience, couples who can talk openly about attraction (with appropriate boundaries!) actually feel more secure together. There's something deeply connecting about that kind of honesty.

Myth 2: Affairs only happen when a relationship is broken.

Truth: Some affairs happen in otherwise "happy" marriages.

This one is tough to hear, I know. We want to believe there's always a clear reason—that affairs only happen when something is fundamentally wrong in the relationship. But I've sat with many couples where this simply wasn't the case.

In Shirley Glass's research, men who had sexual affairs were just as satisfied in their marriages as those who were faithful. — Glass, 2003, p. 57

Sometimes, the wound isn't in the relationship—it's inside someone's heart. Unresolved trauma, feelings of unworthiness, or disconnection from one's own values can create vulnerabilities that have nothing to do with the quality of your bond.

Myth 3: People cheat because they aren't getting what they need.

Truth: Often, it's because they aren't giving—or emotionally investing.

In my therapy room, I often see a pattern: The person who strayed wasn't necessarily neglected—they were often the one who had stopped showing up emotionally. When we withdraw our emotional investment, we become more susceptible to connections that feel fresh and effortless (at least initially).

What's heartbreaking is that this emotional withdrawal often begins with the best of intentions. I frequently see this when one partner is desperately trying to support the other through illness, loss, or a stressful time. They stop sharing their own emotional world in an attempt to protect and caretake. "I didn't want to burden them with my feelings when they were already going through so much," they tell me.

For short bursts—an evening, maybe up to a couple of weeks—this protective instinct isn't problematic. But when it stretches into months or years, it creates a dangerous distance. The caretaking partner becomes emotionally isolated, and the relationship loses its reciprocity. That's when outside connections can feel particularly enticing.

This aligns perfectly with what Dr. Glass observed in her research:

"Partners who stray are often not giving enough in their relationship, which makes them less invested." — Glass, 2003

The less we invest emotionally, the less attached we feel. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle—withholding vulnerability leads to feeling less connected, which makes it even harder to open up again.

I've found that the path to repair often involves learning to be vulnerable again—to recognize that true intimacy requires mutual sharing, even during difficult times. The strongest relationships aren't built on protection and sacrifice, but on continuing to invest your heart fully in the connection you already have.

Myth 4: You can't safely be friends with someone you're attracted to.

Truth: You absolutely can—if that friendship also honors your relationship.

I love how Dr. Glass talks about "walls and windows" in healthy relationships. You need protective boundaries (walls) around your relationship and transparency (windows) between you and your partner.

"Where are the walls and windows?" — Glass, 2003, p. 25

I always ask my clients: Would you feel comfortable if your partner read these messages? Would you invite your spouse to join you for coffee with this friend? If the answer is no, that's a valuable warning sign to pay attention to.

Myth 5: Most affairs are just about sex.

Truth: Most affairs—especially for women—are deeply emotional.

When couples come to me after an affair, they're rarely dealing with just physical infidelity. They're untangling an emotional attachment that grew quietly, often disguised as friendship or mentorship.

85% of women and 55% of men who had affairs reported a "strong" or "extremely deep" emotional bond with the affair partner. — Glass, 2003, p. 57

This is why healing takes time. You're not just changing behaviors—you're reshaping attachment patterns and creating new emotional safety.

Myth 6: Emotional affairs aren't real affairs.

Truth: They are—and they can be even more damaging than physical ones.

I've seen couples recover more easily from a one-night stand than from years of secret emotional intimacy. Why? Because emotional affairs involve sharing your heart, your dreams, your vulnerabilities—all the things that should nurture your primary relationship.

These connections usually begin innocently but evolve into something charged with anticipation and meaning.

"Emotional affairs are typically more of a threat than 'sex-only' affairs." — Glass, 2003; Woolley, Healing Affairs, 2025

Myth 7: If your partner doesn't know, it won't hurt them.

Truth: Secrecy blocks intimacy—and healing can't begin without truth.

I've never seen secrecy protect a relationship. Even when the betrayed partner doesn't consciously know what's happening, they often sense the emotional withdrawal. They feel the invisible wall, even if they can't name it.

"Dribble" disclosure—revealing the truth in fragments—does more harm than good. — Woolley & Johnson

In my practice, I create a safe space for truths to be shared completely and compassionately. It's painful, yes—but it's also the beginning of authentic connection.

Why This Matters to You

I don't see affairs as simple "deal-breakers." I see them as painful but powerful opportunities to face the vulnerabilities you've both been carrying—sometimes for years.

At Little Bear Counseling, we create a warm, judgment-free space for couples navigating these stormy waters. With gentle guidance and the EFT approach, you can rebuild trust one honest conversation at a time. I've witnessed profound healing in couples who once thought their relationship was beyond repair.

I want to be clear: we can't guarantee whether you'll stay together or separate after an affair. That's not our role. What we can promise is that we'll use our skills to help you and your partner speak the vulnerable truths that need to be spoken. We'll work with you to accomplish whatever goal feels most healthy for you both—whether that's rebuilding your relationship or finding a compassionate way to move forward separately. Our commitment is to the emotional health of everyone involved, not to a predetermined outcome.

About the Research

Much of what I share comes from Dr. Shirley P. Glass's groundbreaking work in "Not 'Just Friends'" (2003). Her research transformed how we understand affairs—showing us that emotional infidelity matters deeply, that betrayal creates real trauma, and that healing is possible with honesty and compassion.

If you're hurting in the aftermath of an affair—or simply want to strengthen your relationship's foundations—we're here for you. Let's talk. Schedule your consultation today at Little Bear Counseling, and take the first step toward healing together.