Should We Just "Let Them?"

“I’m not chasing anymore.”

“If they don’t show up, that’s on them.”

This mindset feels powerful—but are we using it to protect, or to disconnect?

The Rise of a Popular Philosophy

Lately, I’ve noticed something showing up more and more in my sessions—and in conversations outside the therapy room too.

People are saying things like,“I’m done chasing.”“If they don’t show up for me, that’s on them.”“I’m just letting them be who they are.”

It’s part of a mindset that’s become really popular lately—the idea that when someone disappoints you, distances themselves, or doesn’t meet your needs, the best thing you can do is just... let them.

And I’ll admit, there’s something that feels strong and clear about that. For people who’ve spent years over-functioning in relationships—people-pleasing, walking on eggshells, bending and contorting themselves to be lovable—it can feel like a powerful shift. A moment of relief. A deep breath.

You stop over-explaining.You stop trying to get someone to see you.You stop exhausting yourself in hopes of a different response.

And that shift? That’s not nothing. It can be incredibly healing. The Story I Had to Feel First

I’ve even felt the appeal of this mindset in my own life.

Not long ago, I had a tough exchange with one of my parents. I left the conversation feeling completely misunderstood. Small. Unseen. I called one of my best friends—barely able to talk through the lump in my throat—and she listened quietly before saying, “Boomer’s gonna boom, Rachael.”

It made me laugh. And weirdly, it helped. But not because I suddenly didn’t care. It helped because I got to have my feelings first. I got to feel the hurt, name the ache, and then—from that place—I could decide what I needed. I realized I was longing for appreciation, recognition, and a sense that my efforts mattered.

If I had skipped straight to “let them,” I would’ve missed all of that. I would’ve shut down needs that were still very much alive in me—needs we all have, because we’re human and we’re wired for connection.

When Detachment Turns Into Disconnection

And that’s what’s been sitting heavy with me lately.

Because while this mindset starts off empowering, I’m seeing more and more people take it further than it was meant to go.

Clients aren’t just letting go of toxic patterns—they’re letting go of closeness. Not just setting boundaries—but emotionally checking out. Not just protecting themselves—but cutting themselves off from the people who matter most.

It’s not just, “I won’t beg you to stay.”It’s, “I won’t feel this. I won’t ask. I won’t care.”

And it’s not happening in shallow relationships. It’s happening with partners. Parents. Children. Best friends.

What began as a path to freedom starts to turn into a kind of quiet numbness.

How This Plays Out in Real Life

From the outside, it might look like this:

One person says or does something that their partner or friend finds hurtful, defeating, or just plain confusing. The other person doesn’t know how to respond—so they shut down. They detach. They get quiet. They try to stay “neutral,” maybe even pride themselves on staying calm.

And then their partner starts to escalate. Maybe they raise their voice, or press harder to be understood, or protest the disconnection in whatever way they know how.

The person who pulled back sees that escalation and thinks, “See? They just can’t handle my boundary.”

But so often, that’s not boundary resistance. It’s heartbreak. It’s fear. It’s a protest against emotional distance.

And let me say this clearly: setting a boundary is not the same as shutting down. Boundaries are relational. They say, “Here’s what I need in order to stay connected with you.”Detachment says, “I’m done trying.” One keeps the door open. The other walks away and calls it self-respect.

What Research Tells Us About Suppression

I get why we do this. It can feel so much safer to disengage than to risk caring and not be met. But when we don’t allow ourselves to feel, we cut ourselves off from what matters most.

Here’s what the research tells us: suppressing our emotions and needs doesn’t make us stronger—it wears us down. Emotion suppression is linked to higher stress, lower relationship satisfaction, and long-term health consequences (Gross & Levenson, 1997; John & Gross, 2004).

A Different Kind of Strength

Sometimes letting someone be who they are is the wisest and kindest move—for them and for you. Especially when they’ve shown you repeatedly that they cannot, will not, or do not want to meet you with care.

But when “letting them” becomes a way to avoid the vulnerable work of speaking up, staying present, or asking for what you need—when it becomes a shortcut past the hard feelings—it can slowly chip away at intimacy.

Because the truth is:We are meant to care. We are meant to be impacted. We are meant to say, “That hurt,” or “I miss you,” or “I want to feel closer again.”

That’s not weak. That’s not needy. That’s attachment.

So... Should We Let Them?

So should we “let them”? Sometimes, yes. But not if it means letting go of the very thing that makes us human.

Let’s not confuse detachment with growth. Let’s not confuse emotional distance with maturity. And let’s remember: the hard feelings? They’re not the problem.They’re the path.

7 Myths About Affairs (and The Truth that Heals)

7 Common Myths About Affairs (And the Truth That Heals)

By Rachael Maher, MS, LCPC, LMFT — Little Bear Counseling

I've seen it many times in my therapy room—the raw pain that affairs bring into relationships. But what breaks my heart even more are the myths that keep couples stuck in confusion and shame. As an Emotionally Focused Therapist at Little Bear Counseling, I've walked alongside many couples on their healing journey, and I've learned that healing doesn't come from blame—it comes from connection, compassion, and honest conversations.

Let me share with you seven myths I hear in EVERY couple suffering from an affair, and the healing truths I've witnessed transform relationships.

Myth 1: If you're attracted to someone else, your relationship is doomed.

Truth: Attraction is part of being human—not a warning sign that something is wrong.

Let's be real—we don't suddenly stop noticing attractive people just because we're in committed relationships. It's what you do with that attraction that matters. Do you use it to create secrets and distance, or can you acknowledge it while staying emotionally present with your partner?

I remember years ago, I was at the movies with my boyfriend at the time when a strikingly beautiful woman walked in. Without thinking, I commented, "Wow, she is gorgeous." My boyfriend quickly replied, "Eh, not really."

I was shocked. Was he blind? This woman was turning heads throughout the theater. But my shock quickly turned to unease. Why was he lying to me? The most innocent explanation was that he was afraid of my reaction—which didn't make me feel secure at all. It suggested he didn't know me well enough to understand I could handle living in a world with attractive people without feeling threatened. At worst, I worried what else he might be hiding from me.

That moment taught me something important about honesty in relationships. Pretending not to notice attraction doesn't create security—it creates distance.

"Being attracted means you're still breathing." — Dr. Shirley Glass, Not "Just Friends," 2003

In my experience, couples who can talk openly about attraction (with appropriate boundaries!) actually feel more secure together. There's something deeply connecting about that kind of honesty.

Myth 2: Affairs only happen when a relationship is broken.

Truth: Some affairs happen in otherwise "happy" marriages.

This one is tough to hear, I know. We want to believe there's always a clear reason—that affairs only happen when something is fundamentally wrong in the relationship. But I've sat with many couples where this simply wasn't the case.

In Shirley Glass's research, men who had sexual affairs were just as satisfied in their marriages as those who were faithful. — Glass, 2003, p. 57

Sometimes, the wound isn't in the relationship—it's inside someone's heart. Unresolved trauma, feelings of unworthiness, or disconnection from one's own values can create vulnerabilities that have nothing to do with the quality of your bond.

Myth 3: People cheat because they aren't getting what they need.

Truth: Often, it's because they aren't giving—or emotionally investing.

In my therapy room, I often see a pattern: The person who strayed wasn't necessarily neglected—they were often the one who had stopped showing up emotionally. When we withdraw our emotional investment, we become more susceptible to connections that feel fresh and effortless (at least initially).

What's heartbreaking is that this emotional withdrawal often begins with the best of intentions. I frequently see this when one partner is desperately trying to support the other through illness, loss, or a stressful time. They stop sharing their own emotional world in an attempt to protect and caretake. "I didn't want to burden them with my feelings when they were already going through so much," they tell me.

For short bursts—an evening, maybe up to a couple of weeks—this protective instinct isn't problematic. But when it stretches into months or years, it creates a dangerous distance. The caretaking partner becomes emotionally isolated, and the relationship loses its reciprocity. That's when outside connections can feel particularly enticing.

This aligns perfectly with what Dr. Glass observed in her research:

"Partners who stray are often not giving enough in their relationship, which makes them less invested." — Glass, 2003

The less we invest emotionally, the less attached we feel. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle—withholding vulnerability leads to feeling less connected, which makes it even harder to open up again.

I've found that the path to repair often involves learning to be vulnerable again—to recognize that true intimacy requires mutual sharing, even during difficult times. The strongest relationships aren't built on protection and sacrifice, but on continuing to invest your heart fully in the connection you already have.

Myth 4: You can't safely be friends with someone you're attracted to.

Truth: You absolutely can—if that friendship also honors your relationship.

I love how Dr. Glass talks about "walls and windows" in healthy relationships. You need protective boundaries (walls) around your relationship and transparency (windows) between you and your partner.

"Where are the walls and windows?" — Glass, 2003, p. 25

I always ask my clients: Would you feel comfortable if your partner read these messages? Would you invite your spouse to join you for coffee with this friend? If the answer is no, that's a valuable warning sign to pay attention to.

Myth 5: Most affairs are just about sex.

Truth: Most affairs—especially for women—are deeply emotional.

When couples come to me after an affair, they're rarely dealing with just physical infidelity. They're untangling an emotional attachment that grew quietly, often disguised as friendship or mentorship.

85% of women and 55% of men who had affairs reported a "strong" or "extremely deep" emotional bond with the affair partner. — Glass, 2003, p. 57

This is why healing takes time. You're not just changing behaviors—you're reshaping attachment patterns and creating new emotional safety.

Myth 6: Emotional affairs aren't real affairs.

Truth: They are—and they can be even more damaging than physical ones.

I've seen couples recover more easily from a one-night stand than from years of secret emotional intimacy. Why? Because emotional affairs involve sharing your heart, your dreams, your vulnerabilities—all the things that should nurture your primary relationship.

These connections usually begin innocently but evolve into something charged with anticipation and meaning.

"Emotional affairs are typically more of a threat than 'sex-only' affairs." — Glass, 2003; Woolley, Healing Affairs, 2025

Myth 7: If your partner doesn't know, it won't hurt them.

Truth: Secrecy blocks intimacy—and healing can't begin without truth.

I've never seen secrecy protect a relationship. Even when the betrayed partner doesn't consciously know what's happening, they often sense the emotional withdrawal. They feel the invisible wall, even if they can't name it.

"Dribble" disclosure—revealing the truth in fragments—does more harm than good. — Woolley & Johnson

In my practice, I create a safe space for truths to be shared completely and compassionately. It's painful, yes—but it's also the beginning of authentic connection.

Why This Matters to You

I don't see affairs as simple "deal-breakers." I see them as painful but powerful opportunities to face the vulnerabilities you've both been carrying—sometimes for years.

At Little Bear Counseling, we create a warm, judgment-free space for couples navigating these stormy waters. With gentle guidance and the EFT approach, you can rebuild trust one honest conversation at a time. I've witnessed profound healing in couples who once thought their relationship was beyond repair.

I want to be clear: we can't guarantee whether you'll stay together or separate after an affair. That's not our role. What we can promise is that we'll use our skills to help you and your partner speak the vulnerable truths that need to be spoken. We'll work with you to accomplish whatever goal feels most healthy for you both—whether that's rebuilding your relationship or finding a compassionate way to move forward separately. Our commitment is to the emotional health of everyone involved, not to a predetermined outcome.

About the Research

Much of what I share comes from Dr. Shirley P. Glass's groundbreaking work in "Not 'Just Friends'" (2003). Her research transformed how we understand affairs—showing us that emotional infidelity matters deeply, that betrayal creates real trauma, and that healing is possible with honesty and compassion.

If you're hurting in the aftermath of an affair—or simply want to strengthen your relationship's foundations—we're here for you. Let's talk. Schedule your consultation today at Little Bear Counseling, and take the first step toward healing together.

Parenting the Long Launch: Support Without Overstepping

If you’re a parent feeling confused, concerned, or just plain tired from trying to help your child launch into adulthood—you’re not alone.

Maybe your young adult is still living at home. Maybe they’ve started and stopped a few things. Maybe they’re full of ideas, but struggling to follow through. And maybe you’ve found yourself lying awake at night wondering: Is this normal? Are they okay? Am I doing too much? Not enough?

We’re in a new era of growing up. The old roadmaps don’t apply the way they used to. And it’s left a lot of families feeling unmoored.

Adulthood Isn’t What It Used to Be

There was a time when adulthood followed a fairly predictable path: finish school, get a job, settle down, start a family. Today’s young adults are navigating something much more complex.

They’re stepping into a world with more choices—and more uncertainty—than ever before. The pressure to find the right path can feel paralyzing. And while they may crave freedom, many also long for guidance, connection, and stability.

At the same time, we see so many parents offering deep emotional support… until they reach a breaking point. Suddenly, they’re swinging from understanding to ultimatums—“Get a job by next month,” “You can’t live here for free,” “We need to see progress.”

These reactions are understandable. They often come from fear and fatigue. But for the young adult, the shift can feel abrupt and destabilizing—especially when they were trying, in their own way, to figure things out.

This dynamic can also pull parents apart. One tries to stay soft, the other steps in with structure, and both feel misunderstood. Everyone’s trying to help—but they’re pulling in different directions.

A Story From the Early Days

When I was a young therapist (and definitely not mastering anything yet), I had a teenage client—let’s call her Emily. She had just graduated from high school and was looking for a job. She came into session one day, discouraged and angry that no one was responding to her applications.

When I asked where she’d been applying, I was surprised. Emily had no job experience, no references, and wasn’t customizing her applications. She was applying to office and retail jobs that typically required some kind of track record or connection.

Eventually, a kind manager from one of the stores called her back and gently suggested she try working at McDonald’s for a few months to build a resume and get references.

Emily was enraged. She came into therapy and said, “I’m better than that.”

I wanted to ask, “Better than what, exactly?”

It became clear she was operating under an inherited narrative—one that equated entry-level work, especially in fast food, with failure. Her parents hadn’t praised effort or process. They had emphasized status and outcome: “You don’t want to spend your life working at McDonald’s.”

Let me be clear: I have nothing against working at McDonald’s. In fact, it’s often the exact kind of job that teaches grit, teamwork, time management, and resilience. The issue wasn’t the job—it was the internalized shame.

Instead of encouraging her to take a step and learn through doing, her environment had taught her to avoid anything that didn’t look impressive from the outside. But launching into adulthood almost always involves humble beginnings. We can either teach our kids to fear those, or help them see value in every step forward.

Let’s Talk About the “Find Your Passion” Myth

One belief that quietly undermines progress is the idea that young adults must first discover their passion—and then pursue mastery. But in truth, very few people start their lives knowing exactly what they’re meant to do.

More often, we find meaning through doing. We follow a thread of interest. We build skill. We make mistakes, adapt, grow—and only then does something begin to feel like purpose.

Expecting instant clarity can leave young adults stuck. It’s okay to start with “interesting enough.” The act of showing up, learning, and sticking with something is often what creates passion—not the other way around.

What Actually Helps

If you're a parent looking for steady, compassionate ways to support your child’s launch, here are a few approaches that work:

• Focus on how they’re showing up—not just what they’re doing.Progress doesn’t always look like a perfect job or college enrollment. It often looks like resilience, consistency, and small steps forward.Example: If your child is working at a coffee shop and unsure of their future, acknowledge the value: “I admire how you’re showing up every day and learning to manage stress and responsibility. That matters.”

  
  

• Celebrate effort, not just outcomes.Sometimes the biggest win is that they kept going.Example: After a string of rejections, say: “I know that’s discouraging. I’m proud of how you’re sticking with it. That takes strength.”

  
  

• Offer boundaries with warmth and clarity.Support doesn’t mean endless flexibility—it means clear expectations delivered with compassion.Example: “We’re happy to have you stay while you’re figuring things out. As part of that, we’re asking you to contribute $200/month and have a job-search plan in place by June. We’re here to help you stick with it.”

  
  

• Encourage exploration without pressure.They don’t need a five-year plan. They just need a next step.Example: “Not sure if marketing is right for you? Try an online course or talk to someone in the field. Just take a step, and we can see what comes from it.”

  
  

• Stay on the same team—as co-parents and as a family.When parents disagree on how to help, it can leave young adults feeling caught in the middle.Example: “We’ve talked, and we both agree that the goal is to support you becoming more independent. That means some structure, and also some space to figure things out. We’re in this with you.”

  
  

We See You—All of You

At Little Bear Counseling, we sit with families in this exact place all the time. We see parents who are scared, loving, worn down, and desperately wanting to do the right thing. We see young adults who are sensitive, overwhelmed, frustrated, and deeply unsure of themselves.

And almost always—they want the same thing. Forward motion. Confidence. Relief. A sense that they’re not alone.

But without clear communication or aligned expectations, everyone starts working at cross-purposes. The result? Hurt feelings. Resentment. Sadness. Disconnection. Even heartbreak.

It doesn’t have to stay that way.

A Different Kind of Adulthood

Now, we could wrap this up with some neat, comforting phrases like, “You’re not failing,” or “You’re not behind.” And while those lines might feel good for a moment… they’re not always true.

And honestly? You deserve better than empty platitudes.

The truth is—some parents are over-functioning, or under-supporting, or swinging between the two. Some young adults are behind where they could be. Some haven’t had the structure, insight, or tools they needed. Others have had them, and still feel stuck.

But the answer isn’t blame—it’s curiosity. It’s reflection. It’s asking: What might need to shift—in me, in us—for this to move forward?

Adulthood today is a slower, messier stretch. It’s not just about milestones—it’s about the ability to stay with discomfort, to make repairs, to take the next brave step even after falling short.

No one gets to do this perfectly. But we can all participate in the process of growing.

Let’s drop the shame. Let’s name what’s not working. Let’s try something new.

Let’s help this next generation not just become adults—but become whole.