7 Common Myths About Affairs (And the Truth That Heals)

By Rachael Maher, MS, LCPC, LMFT — Little Bear Counseling

I've seen it many times in my therapy room—the raw pain that affairs bring into relationships. But what breaks my heart even more are the myths that keep couples stuck in confusion and shame. As an Emotionally Focused Therapist at Little Bear Counseling, I've walked alongside many couples on their healing journey, and I've learned that healing doesn't come from blame—it comes from connection, compassion, and honest conversations.

Let me share with you seven myths I hear in EVERY couple suffering from an affair, and the healing truths I've witnessed transform relationships.

Myth 1: If you're attracted to someone else, your relationship is doomed.

Truth: Attraction is part of being human—not a warning sign that something is wrong.

Let's be real—we don't suddenly stop noticing attractive people just because we're in committed relationships. It's what you do with that attraction that matters. Do you use it to create secrets and distance, or can you acknowledge it while staying emotionally present with your partner?

I remember years ago, I was at the movies with my boyfriend at the time when a strikingly beautiful woman walked in. Without thinking, I commented, "Wow, she is gorgeous." My boyfriend quickly replied, "Eh, not really."

I was shocked. Was he blind? This woman was turning heads throughout the theater. But my shock quickly turned to unease. Why was he lying to me? The most innocent explanation was that he was afraid of my reaction—which didn't make me feel secure at all. It suggested he didn't know me well enough to understand I could handle living in a world with attractive people without feeling threatened. At worst, I worried what else he might be hiding from me.

That moment taught me something important about honesty in relationships. Pretending not to notice attraction doesn't create security—it creates distance.

In my experience, couples who can talk openly about attraction (with appropriate boundaries!) actually feel more secure together. There's something deeply connecting about that kind of honesty.

Myth 2: Affairs only happen when a relationship is broken.

Truth: Some affairs happen in otherwise "happy" marriages.

This one is tough to hear, I know. We want to believe there's always a clear reason—that affairs only happen when something is fundamentally wrong in the relationship. But I've sat with many couples where this simply wasn't the case.

Sometimes, the wound isn't in the relationship—it's inside someone's heart. Unresolved trauma, feelings of unworthiness, or disconnection from one's own values can create vulnerabilities that have nothing to do with the quality of your bond.

Myth 3: People cheat because they aren't getting what they need.

Truth: Often, it's because they aren't giving—or emotionally investing.

In my therapy room, I often see a pattern: The person who strayed wasn't necessarily neglected—they were often the one who had stopped showing up emotionally. When we withdraw our emotional investment, we become more susceptible to connections that feel fresh and effortless (at least initially).

What's heartbreaking is that this emotional withdrawal often begins with the best of intentions. I frequently see this when one partner is desperately trying to support the other through illness, loss, or a stressful time. They stop sharing their own emotional world in an attempt to protect and caretake. "I didn't want to burden them with my feelings when they were already going through so much," they tell me.

For short bursts—an evening, maybe up to a couple of weeks—this protective instinct isn't problematic. But when it stretches into months or years, it creates a dangerous distance. The caretaking partner becomes emotionally isolated, and the relationship loses its reciprocity. That's when outside connections can feel particularly enticing.

This aligns perfectly with what Dr. Glass observed in her research:

The less we invest emotionally, the less attached we feel. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle—withholding vulnerability leads to feeling less connected, which makes it even harder to open up again.

I've found that the path to repair often involves learning to be vulnerable again—to recognize that true intimacy requires mutual sharing, even during difficult times. The strongest relationships aren't built on protection and sacrifice, but on continuing to invest your heart fully in the connection you already have.

Myth 4: You can't safely be friends with someone you're attracted to.

Truth: You absolutely can—if that friendship also honors your relationship.

I love how Dr. Glass talks about "walls and windows" in healthy relationships. You need protective boundaries (walls) around your relationship and transparency (windows) between you and your partner.

I always ask my clients: Would you feel comfortable if your partner read these messages? Would you invite your spouse to join you for coffee with this friend? If the answer is no, that's a valuable warning sign to pay attention to.

Myth 5: Most affairs are just about sex.

Truth: Most affairs—especially for women—are deeply emotional.

When couples come to me after an affair, they're rarely dealing with just physical infidelity. They're untangling an emotional attachment that grew quietly, often disguised as friendship or mentorship.

This is why healing takes time. You're not just changing behaviors—you're reshaping attachment patterns and creating new emotional safety.

Myth 6: Emotional affairs aren't real affairs.

Truth: They are—and they can be even more damaging than physical ones.

I've seen couples recover more easily from a one-night stand than from years of secret emotional intimacy. Why? Because emotional affairs involve sharing your heart, your dreams, your vulnerabilities—all the things that should nurture your primary relationship.

These connections usually begin innocently but evolve into something charged with anticipation and meaning.

Myth 7: If your partner doesn't know, it won't hurt them.

Truth: Secrecy blocks intimacy—and healing can't begin without truth.

I've never seen secrecy protect a relationship. Even when the betrayed partner doesn't consciously know what's happening, they often sense the emotional withdrawal. They feel the invisible wall, even if they can't name it.

In my practice, I create a safe space for truths to be shared completely and compassionately. It's painful, yes—but it's also the beginning of authentic connection.

Why This Matters to You

I don't see affairs as simple "deal-breakers." I see them as painful but powerful opportunities to face the vulnerabilities you've both been carrying—sometimes for years.

At Little Bear Counseling, we create a warm, judgment-free space for couples navigating these stormy waters. With gentle guidance and the EFT approach, you can rebuild trust one honest conversation at a time. I've witnessed profound healing in couples who once thought their relationship was beyond repair.

I want to be clear: we can't guarantee whether you'll stay together or separate after an affair. That's not our role. What we can promise is that we'll use our skills to help you and your partner speak the vulnerable truths that need to be spoken. We'll work with you to accomplish whatever goal feels most healthy for you both—whether that's rebuilding your relationship or finding a compassionate way to move forward separately. Our commitment is to the emotional health of everyone involved, not to a predetermined outcome.

About the Research

Much of what I share comes from Dr. Shirley P. Glass's groundbreaking work in "Not 'Just Friends'" (2003). Her research transformed how we understand affairs—showing us that emotional infidelity matters deeply, that betrayal creates real trauma, and that healing is possible with honesty and compassion.

If you're hurting in the aftermath of an affair—or simply want to strengthen your relationship's foundations—we're here for you. Let's talk. Schedule your consultation today at Little Bear Counseling, and take the first step toward healing together.