Should We Just "Let Them?"

“I’m not chasing anymore.”

“If they don’t show up, that’s on them.”

This mindset feels powerful—but are we using it to protect, or to disconnect?

The Rise of a Popular Philosophy

Lately, I’ve noticed something showing up more and more in my sessions—and in conversations outside the therapy room too.

People are saying things like,“I’m done chasing.”“If they don’t show up for me, that’s on them.”“I’m just letting them be who they are.”

It’s part of a mindset that’s become really popular lately—the idea that when someone disappoints you, distances themselves, or doesn’t meet your needs, the best thing you can do is just... let them.

And I’ll admit, there’s something that feels strong and clear about that. For people who’ve spent years over-functioning in relationships—people-pleasing, walking on eggshells, bending and contorting themselves to be lovable—it can feel like a powerful shift. A moment of relief. A deep breath.

You stop over-explaining.You stop trying to get someone to see you.You stop exhausting yourself in hopes of a different response.

And that shift? That’s not nothing. It can be incredibly healing. The Story I Had to Feel First

I’ve even felt the appeal of this mindset in my own life.

Not long ago, I had a tough exchange with one of my parents. I left the conversation feeling completely misunderstood. Small. Unseen. I called one of my best friends—barely able to talk through the lump in my throat—and she listened quietly before saying, “Boomer’s gonna boom, Rachael.”

It made me laugh. And weirdly, it helped. But not because I suddenly didn’t care. It helped because I got to have my feelings first. I got to feel the hurt, name the ache, and then—from that place—I could decide what I needed. I realized I was longing for appreciation, recognition, and a sense that my efforts mattered.

If I had skipped straight to “let them,” I would’ve missed all of that. I would’ve shut down needs that were still very much alive in me—needs we all have, because we’re human and we’re wired for connection.

When Detachment Turns Into Disconnection

And that’s what’s been sitting heavy with me lately.

Because while this mindset starts off empowering, I’m seeing more and more people take it further than it was meant to go.

Clients aren’t just letting go of toxic patterns—they’re letting go of closeness. Not just setting boundaries—but emotionally checking out. Not just protecting themselves—but cutting themselves off from the people who matter most.

It’s not just, “I won’t beg you to stay.”It’s, “I won’t feel this. I won’t ask. I won’t care.”

And it’s not happening in shallow relationships. It’s happening with partners. Parents. Children. Best friends.

What began as a path to freedom starts to turn into a kind of quiet numbness.

How This Plays Out in Real Life

From the outside, it might look like this:

One person says or does something that their partner or friend finds hurtful, defeating, or just plain confusing. The other person doesn’t know how to respond—so they shut down. They detach. They get quiet. They try to stay “neutral,” maybe even pride themselves on staying calm.

And then their partner starts to escalate. Maybe they raise their voice, or press harder to be understood, or protest the disconnection in whatever way they know how.

The person who pulled back sees that escalation and thinks, “See? They just can’t handle my boundary.”

But so often, that’s not boundary resistance. It’s heartbreak. It’s fear. It’s a protest against emotional distance.

And let me say this clearly: setting a boundary is not the same as shutting down. Boundaries are relational. They say, “Here’s what I need in order to stay connected with you.”Detachment says, “I’m done trying.” One keeps the door open. The other walks away and calls it self-respect.

What Research Tells Us About Suppression

I get why we do this. It can feel so much safer to disengage than to risk caring and not be met. But when we don’t allow ourselves to feel, we cut ourselves off from what matters most.

Here’s what the research tells us: suppressing our emotions and needs doesn’t make us stronger—it wears us down. Emotion suppression is linked to higher stress, lower relationship satisfaction, and long-term health consequences (Gross & Levenson, 1997; John & Gross, 2004).

A Different Kind of Strength

Sometimes letting someone be who they are is the wisest and kindest move—for them and for you. Especially when they’ve shown you repeatedly that they cannot, will not, or do not want to meet you with care.

But when “letting them” becomes a way to avoid the vulnerable work of speaking up, staying present, or asking for what you need—when it becomes a shortcut past the hard feelings—it can slowly chip away at intimacy.

Because the truth is:We are meant to care. We are meant to be impacted. We are meant to say, “That hurt,” or “I miss you,” or “I want to feel closer again.”

That’s not weak. That’s not needy. That’s attachment.

So... Should We Let Them?

So should we “let them”? Sometimes, yes. But not if it means letting go of the very thing that makes us human.

Let’s not confuse detachment with growth. Let’s not confuse emotional distance with maturity. And let’s remember: the hard feelings? They’re not the problem.They’re the path.